I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
