Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
my poor anus
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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