I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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