I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
