it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
