Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
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For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
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I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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