i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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