You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
