I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
