Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dicks are not precious.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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