Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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