Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
