a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
