I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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