True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
