i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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