What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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