He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
