Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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