I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
