Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
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He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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