spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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