i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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