I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
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Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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