I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
