Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
