if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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