Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
