I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
