Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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