i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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