The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
