rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Dear god my vagina.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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