I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
