Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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