hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
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My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
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In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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