Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
