Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
