My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
