Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
you never un-have a 4some
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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