If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
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yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
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If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize