Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
