The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
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Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
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I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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