I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
