I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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