i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
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hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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