just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
