A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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