ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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