I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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