i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
