No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
