If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
