I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
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i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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