i love accidental penises.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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