Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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