This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
