so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
