Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
